Intrusive Thoughts on Motherhood 

She’s so cute / pretend to eat her toes / num, num, num / I literally want to eat her / bake her into a dessert / serve with a cold glass of milk / is that normal? / Google says it is / a biological reaction or maybe chemical / I can’t remember / remember she last ate at 4 p.m. / next feeding at 7:30 p.m. / try to push to 8 p.m. for easier bedtime / forget to text friends back / set up her bathtub for later while I have a free moment / prep bottles / wash bottles / repeat, repeat, repeat / change diaper / is her poop a normal color? / Google says maybe / maybe not / have anxiety / debate calling pediatrician for 2nd time this week / husband says she’s fine / have anxiety about it anyway / think of nothing else / Google continuously / ask husband 500 more times if he thinks it’s normal / she’s so cute / kiss her cheeks / kiss her forehead / pretend to eat her toes / num, num, num /

Put her down for a nap / she fights each one / ask Google why she’s fighting naps if she’s tired / Google is tired of answering me / she likes it when I sing a lullaby / you are my sunshine / my only sunshine / repeat, repeat, repeat / try to transfer her to her crib / she wakes up immediately / contact nap it is / doom scroll / friends on vacation / friends at brunch / friends not tied down to a schedule or routine / be grateful / I begged for this / I miss her so much while she sleeps / when will she wake up? / if she sleeps any longer, she will be off schedule / afternoon wake up kisses / ask her how she slept / she’s six months old, so I talk for her / wash bottles / prep bottles / stay patient as she tosses her head around during feedings / tummy time / clap as she rolls over / repeat, repeat, repeat / 

Remember to text friend back / she’s at the movies / I miss the movies / husband suggests we get a babysitter for an evening and go / my stomach twists in knots / what if something happens and we aren’t there? / what if she cries and they don’t comfort her? / what if they get impatient when she fights sleep? / I wouldn’t enjoy the movie anyway / I’d check my phone 19 times during a scene / no babysitter / no movies / no dates / all our conversations are baby talk / I promise husband to make more time for us / I get busy with the baby / bring her up in every conversation / she’s so cute / don’t you want to eat her toes? / num, num, num / 

Make homemade baby purée / stock the freezer with  baby food, even though she’s not eating solids yet / blend, blend, blend / ignore guilt about not breastfeeding, but worry about GMOs in jarred baby food / wipe spit up off her chest / sit on playmat while she practices rolling over / call her ‘Rolie Polie Olie’ / it makes me giggle / fold laundry / wipe spit up from her chin / is it normal for babies to spit up so much? / Google says that’s a sign of acid reflux / does she have acid reflux? / Google symptoms / Google says stop Googling / husband agrees / Google anyway / wipe spit up off me / fill laundry basket with dirty onesies and burp cloths / wash laundry / fold laundry / repeat, repeat, repeat /  

This is hard / really fucking hard / Google if it’s okay to feel like this / tell Google she’s an easy baby / ask Google why even easy babies are hard / she’s perfect / take 100 photos / post 50 of them on Instagram / I realize I’ve turned into one of those annoying moms whose personality is being a mom / my friends and I used to talk shit about women like that / put baby down to return to chores / she cries / pick her back up / she’s having a hard time / not purposefully giving me a hard time / do parents survive teething? / Google says no / ask Google if it’s teething even if you don’t see teeth yet / Google says teeth take a few weeks to come through / try not to cry because it’s already been two weeks of this / skip chores / gaslight myself that maybe it’s not teething / what do I know? / I’ve never done this before / go back to playmat / talk about nothing else except teething with husband / she giggles as I tickle her ribs / she’s so cute / pretend to eat her toes / num, num, num / 

Bedtime routine / bath first / splish splash/ splish splash / lotion her up after / tiny toes in footed pajamas / pretend to eat them / num, num, num / darken the nursery / turn on the sound machine / read her a bed time story / tell her how much I love her / that I am grateful for her / that she made my dreams come true / give her a bottle / pat her on the back 500 times until she drifts off / repeat, repeat, repeat / failed transfer to crib / read to her from my romance book / skip the sex scenes / pat her on the back 500 more times / successfully transfer / tip-toe out the room / crack the door / miss her immediately / shower / baby monitor resting on the toilet at full volume / was that a noise? / she’s still sleeping / wash face / hear another noise / she’s still sleeping / once again it’s  in my head / chores before bedtime / check the monitor / is she breathing? / zoom in / zoom out / chest moving up and down / Google SIDs risk / Google SIDs risk again / scroll Reddit for horror stories of SIDs / check the monitor / is she breathing? / zoom in / zoom out / repeat, repeat, repeat / no sleep / try not to be envious of husband who isn’t anxiously tossing and turning / pass out eventually from pure exhaustion / morning wake up / repeat, repeat, repeat.